The G I F T of Marriage

A friend of mine writes often of his marriage and the mistakes he and his wife made that ultimately ended their relationship. He writes candidly and openly about the tragedy of it all.

When I read his posts it always causes me to be thankful for the relationship I have with my wife. Even though we’ve been married 26 years there is no guarantee we’ll be married another day, let along another 26 years unless we express thankfulness for the G I F T of marriage. 

Now it is true, all marriages experience difficult moments and trying circumstances. That’s a fact of any relationship, even the closest friendship. A good marriage takes work. Every day each person must work to make the relationship work. As much as we would like to believe love is the factor that moves things forward, it is more than that. The emotion of love ebbs and flows with our own “feelings” and can often be misinterpreted. We don’t always feel in love. That does not diminish the fact that we ARE in love. It simply means there are times when we don’t feel love.  That is where the work comes in and the G I F T of marriage. 

God — Having God at the center of any relationship changes the dynamic. It is no longer me and my wife, it’s me, my wife and God. A sense of the divine can do a good deal when it comes to smoothing rough spots on the road to a good marriage.  That does not necessarily mean you always believe the same things. My wife and I often have differences when it comes to “theology” or the interpretation of Scripture. But that doesn’t diminish the fact we are both intent on keeping God at the center of our relationship. Without the influence of the divine, working through the challenges of marriage are more difficult.

Inclusion — Including the other person in the every day matters of life is important. It can be as simple as “How was your day?” then listening with intention. Almost everyday my wife and I go through that “ritual.”  She’ll ask about my day and I’ll ask about hers. We often commiserate, complain and criticize the events of the day, while giving support and an occasional “I understand” along the way. Another could be as challenging as going to an event that is important for them that may seem less important to you. And of course, it is including the other in financial decisions. After all, money can be a real deal breaker when it comes to relationships. Not so much how much money you might have, but how that money is spent. There can also be dynamic shifts where the wife makes significantly more than the husband. This can play on men’s fragile egos if it is not discussed.  

Fun — Have fun with one another. Enjoy laughter and spending time together. One of our relationship rituals is Saturday morning breakfast. It is a given, if I’m not working, then we’re going to breakfast together on Saturday morning. It is a special time for us. I suppose you could call it a “date” although we never use that term. It is simply a chance to spend time with one another before weekend “to-do” list takes over our time and attention.  Other couples we know do have a “date night.” My daughter will often do impromptu coffee breaks or lunch with her husband while the kids are involved in activities away from the home. Whatever it is, have fun with one another. Enjoy each other’s company more than any other. Fun can be the fertile soil that makes love bloom in a variety of colors.

Trust — This is the deal maker and the deal breaker. If there is not trust in the other person it is difficult to make love thrive under any circumstance. Lack of trust is like a poison that builds in the system until finally enough toxin is accumulated that it kills. If trust has been violated in some fashion, talk about it and work through it. Then begin building the bonds of trust anew.  It’s not easy. Remember the “work” word in the introduction? Rebuilding trust takes work. Hard work. Years of hard work.  I know there have been times when I pushed my wife to the edge when it came to trust. Those were difficult times. Trying times. Devastating times.  However, we’ve worked through that. It has been more difficult for her than I could ever imagine. But we’ve made it to the other side.  Now let’s be clear, “trust” is more than being faithful to one another. Trust involves speaking well of one another. Being honest with one another. Having each other’s back in challenging times. It is knowing that you want the best for the other person and striving to make that happen.

Now I’m no expert when it comes to marriage. However, from experience, I have learned what is effective and what is not. It seems to me that marriage is the gift, love is the wrapping paper.

 

Seeking A Higher Level

This past weekend I took a Tactical shooting class and one of the instructors used a piece of material I’d not heard in some time. However, after some reflection , it seemed the material was appropriate for much of what goes on when folks “under-teach” the Bible or promote awkward theological ideas – even myself.

The material centered on learning and the different levels of learning: Unconsciously Incompetent, Consciously Incompetent, Consciously Competent and Unconsciously Competent.

Unconsciously Incompetent: These are the folks who don’t know they don’t know. Other people who listen to them or read their material often know they don’t know, but somehow it has escaped the author.  I remember when I first became a Christian and began reading the Bible and gathering bits of information from those around me.  I truly thought I was on a ramped up learning curve and making some huge strides in my biblical expertise.   Then I went to College. That’s when I became…

Consciously Incompetent: I quickly realized there was a good deal I didn’t know and some of what I did know I had to unlearn.  I had another similar epiphany when I did my Masters work. Now I’m not sure, but I believe there are many people who find themselves at this level and decide that what “they think they know” is more important or better than what those in the know, know. But there are also many of us who understand that what we thought we knew was not good and chose to move toward the next level…

Consciously Competent: A level that says you don’t know everything but at least you are conscious of your level of knowledge or belief system, even though you may not totally own it at this point.  It’s similar to driving a car with a stick shift for the first time. You can get all the steps right and keep the car moving down the road, but it takes every bit of conscious effort you can muster to make it happen. Then, before long, everything clicks and you become….

Unconsciously Competent: Going back to the stick shift analogy…now you can drive, shift gears, change the station on the radio and carry on a conversation with your friends all without a second thought to the clutch, gas pedal or gear shift. It just happens. We used to see this transition happen often when I was training Customer Service reps. They struggled with the order entry system, getting the “script” correct, and closing the customer call. Then one day, it just clicks. They end a call and realize they had not consciously thought about any of the process, it just happened. It really was an exciting time for them.

As I grow older, I find that I continue to move through these phases. Sometimes I spend much more time in places like “consciously incompetent” than I like. Often it is because I don’t discipline myself to move to the next level. I won’t say that’s good or bad, it just is.  Other times, like Peter often did, I find myself back again in the unconsciously incompetent phase. Acting or speaking impulsively without knowing that I don’t know what I’m talking about.

I read several blogs of a biblical nature. One in particular is by a well known NT scholar and author. It’s a good read because he never seems to come across as knowing everything. He’s a learner just like most of us and that’s refreshing. Other blogs I read are awash with a ”this is the way it is” tone. Some, as I have experienced in certain Bible studies, criticize academia as though it is a curse on “true” biblical understanding which is unfortunate. Often these folks are the ones camped out in the unconsciously incompetent arena.

I would love to live my life in the unconsciously competent phase. However there are too many things I don’t know and even more things that I know I don’t know. But there is nothing that says I cannot seek a higher level through discipline, training, and good study habits.

Why A Sign?

Scripture never ceases to amaze me. The intricacies of its make-up and the oft appearance of conflict is something that continues to capture my attention.

In a continuation through Mark, I found myself pondering a passage in chapter 8 where the Pharisees come to Jesus and begin arguing with him. That is, they began to question and enquire about who he is and his ministry. Mark says they were “…seeking from him a sign from heaven to test him (v.11).”  Now it might be rightly concluded that the Pharisees were no friends of Jesus. And perhaps this “test” was not in their best interest nor a way for them to endear themselves to the Christ. However, at least they put their cards on the table. The masses, who were happy to take the healings, the exorcisms and the free meals showed no real signs of commitment to the Christ in mass any more than the scribes and Pharisees did. 

Now it might be concluded that what the Pharisees were asking for was something out of the ordinary. You know, something like the sun standing still, fire from heaven or the like. Something of a supernatural origin similar to those signs of Moses,Joshua, Samuel, and Elijah. They were not overly impressed with the healing ministry as it were. They wanted something more. Something that would, without question, show the true origins of the Messiah. Many times we find ourselves in the same boat. Oh, we would never call it a “test” but we often ask for signs or indicators from God. Seldom would we tie it to our belief, after all, if we asked wrongly or without sufficient faith and what we prayed for did not happen we’d have some explaining to do. So we couch it all in different terms and cap it off with “if it be your will.”

What is interesting in this situation in Mark is Jesus’ response.  Mark tells us that “Jesus sighed deeply in his spirit…(v.12 ESV).” Yes, I suspect he was offended at their “test” request, but more than that he was pushed to the brink emotionally by their callous disregard for him personally, the God who sent him (their God), and his means of introducing the Kingdom of God.  They – most, not all – were indeed looking but not seeing. They were listening but experienced a spiritual tinnitus that prevented them from hearing the truth. And even though Jesus said it would be so, it grieved him deeply. For they were missing not only the point, they were missing the purpose.

Jesus’ reply to those who would test him was rather straight forward. There would be no sign – period. “‘I say to you, no sign will be given to this generation (v.12).’ And he left them…” Of course Matthew and Luke supplement this idea of a sign by adding ”except the sign of Jonah” (Matt. 12, 16 and Lk 11). Why that was not included in this encounter is uncertain. Perhaps Jesus did not think it germane to the point, or he was not willing to open up that aspect of his life and ministry just yet. Whatever the reason, it seems rather conspicuously absent. I can’t imagine that Jesus left this encounter with the Pharisees and said to himself, “Oh man, I should have capped that off with except the sign of Jonah. The next time those guys try that “test” thing, I’m going to add that phrase.” 

So why was it in the other synoptics and not in Mark? It seems like a rather significant concept. Especially if you take into account the ”except”. Except the sign of Jonah. Of course, one would have to understand the story of Jonah to understand the statement and I expect the Pharisees did. Just as Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights so the Son of Man….  That’s powerful stuff. A staggering comparison. Furthermore, the Ninevites apparently aware of Jonah’s miraculous “resurrection” repented. Now the anticipation may be that once the sign takes place, the sign confirming that Jesus is the Son of God, the Pharisees would repent. Of course we know that does not happen to any significant account. So maybe they didn’t want a sign after all.

Biblical Spin

It is not unusual to hear the word “spin” in relationship to politics. Basically, it is the ability to turn a potential negative into a positive by shifting words or maneuvering the intent of words so that it reflects favorably on a particular candidate or policy. Many of us are accustomed to this and can often see through the spin to the truth, but not always.

When it comes to biblical interpretation, there is spin as well. Difficult verses are explained in ways that perhaps belie the actual text and reflect positively on an event or saying. Paul’s instruction about women in the church may be one example. Or, as we’ll discuss, Mark’s comments on the event of Jesus walking on the water (6:45-52).

In a previous blog, I looked at the idea in Mark that Jesus “meant to pass them (the disciples) by” as he was walking on the water toward Bethsaida. Consequently, we’ll not look at it again here.  However, what I would like to examine is the phrase at the end of this particular event, “…For they did not understand about the loaves (feeding of the 5,000), but their hearts were hardened (v.52).”

Now it must be made clear, Mark was NOT present at this event. He was not one of The Twelve.  He is writing based on what he has heard either from Peter, or other Apostles, who were eye witnesses to the event. So what is interesting is that he makes the comment “their hearts were hardened.”  Hardened hearts is not unusual. We know that God hardened Pharaoh’s heart many times. The implication of hardened hearts is evident in much of what Isaiah and Jeremiah prophesied and the use of Isaiah in the book of Mark regarding those who would see but not with perception or hear without understanding (Mk 4). Now Mark tells us that according to what he has been told, the disciples did not understand the miracle in feeding 5,000 because their hearts were hardened. It’s not simply a matter of little faith or confusion, it is a matter of hardness.  Admitting that paints a realistic picture of the disciples, but it also exposes apparent weakness. These are not well seasoned followers of the Christ, they are still men attempting to get their arms around the magnitude of what the Kingdom of God means and its chief representative, Jesus Christ. It’s difficult to spin it any other way with much credibility.

Now it is not surprising that we all may be guilty of heard hearts at one time or another. Whether it is toward our brothers and sisters in Christ, the Church in general, or – yes – toward God and his leadership and lordship in our lives. We resist often with simple ignorance. We stiffen our necks with stubborn independence. We close our eyes to the needs of those around us because it is inconvenient or too costly to get involved. Whatever the reason, we tend to get a bit stony around the edges. Recognizing that and dealing with it is good, rationalizing it is simply another form of biblical spin.  One is acceptable, the other is not when it comes to growing in our understanding of God, His Kingdom, and our role in it.

Permission NOT Granted

I’ve got several stories in the Gospels that are my favorite, but the story of Legion is perhaps one of my favorites. I suppose it’s because of the powerful transformation of one not-so-human to one fully human. A metamorphosis of one chained by fear, doubt and the devils of hell to one who is not only whole, but wholly in his right mind.

The one thing I find intriguing is that Legion, flushed with new life, desires nothing more than to go with Jesus. Not just to be with him, that would be understandable, but to go with him. To be a follower/learner like the other disciples and the twelve. But Jesus does not permit him. Instead, he tells him to go back to his hometown and tell people what has happened to him – “how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.”  A noble charge indeed but it is not what the man desired. Nevertheless, he does as Jesus asks and tells all who will listen the marvelous things the Lord has done for him and the great mercy he has received. For what end? “Everyone marveled.” That’s it. Everyone marveled at his words and his new life. They were astonished but not necessarily attracted to the Kingdom. Mark does not say “Many believed in the Lord because of his testimony.” He simply says, “Everyone marveled.”

It is odd is that Jesus was not willing to have Legion accompany him. I’m not certain why, and Mark apparently doesn’t know either. Had this been today - Legion would not only have been permitted to be a part of ministry, he would have been on the fast track lecture circuit, had a book deal and perhaps a movie deal in the works, and every minister in town would be signing him up to come give his testimony. But not Jesus. From him, permission was NOT granted for Legion to join his band of kingdom missionaries.

Of course, we never hear from Legion again. The song the Singer gave him may have been one verse and done. Or it could have developed into a symphony, orchestrating the grand stanzas of the gospel message. Then again, once the attention faded and the crowds stopped listening, perhaps Legion began to have doubts about his mind once again.

There is not always room on the stage for everyone. There are just so many roles. Beyond that, many of us are merely extras in the drama of the Kingdom. Legion may have been simply an extra. The leper, the blind man, the woman with the “issue of blood” and the deaf man may have all been extras in the Kingdom drama. The stage belonged to the Christ and his chosen twelve. Yet each extra has a place in time. We may all want to “go with Christ” but often permission is not granted. He has other tasks for us. They may be just as important because they fit into the drama, nonetheless, they are other tasks. Are we faithful to the task?