Trying to fill in everything that has gone on in between those years would seem almost insurmountable. And for most any one who would stumble across this and choose to read it, rather boring. So let’s just say – there was an ebb and flow in my life that never proved consistent, nor fulfilling. I had basically come to this conclusion:
God/Jesus said….IF you keep following me then you are my disciples. IF you don’t, then you are not.
Now granted that’s rather a simplistic version, but the conditional aspect of the gospel is something that most people chose to ignore. The proposition that apostasy is a biblical truth and a distinct possibility is also something that makes people really uncomfortable. All that aside, where I found myself is basically in a position of walking away from my commitment to Christ. Reason – couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t want to, pay the cost any longer.
What I am learning as I get older is this. My house was basically built on the sand and it didn’t take much to bring it down. Each time I attempted to rebuild, for whatever reason, I chose to build in the “same location”, with the same results. Consequently, I became angry, bitter, resentful, and very depressed.
Each time I enter a church or find myself confronted with a meaningful presentation of God’s love, I must confront all of this and it’s uncomfortable. It hurts my heart every time. So most of the time, I choose not to put myself in those situations. That’s one of the reasons why I’m doing this blog. It’s a way for me to deal with all of this in an environment that seems “safe” – probably isn’t in all reality, but it seems like it to me.
Well, I don’t know if any of this makes any sense. Not sure it really matters, no offense. It really doesn’t have to. It’s just the way it is.