My wife asks me often why I’m not writing much any more. I’m never really certain what to tell her. It’s hard to explain. In fact, I find it difficult to explain to myself.
I think it’s more anger and a deep questioning of what’s happening in and to our country. A sense that no matter how much I tell myself that “God is in control” things seem so very much out of control. And frankly, I don’t do well when things are out of control. I get paralyzed. My mind shuts down and I take solace in little things, mundane things, things that don’t require a lot of thought or analysis.
Often I feel like I’m living life in anticipation of the next shoe to fall. I’m not certain when the first shoe hit the floor, but I’m pretty certain there is another one just around the corner and I’m dreading it. That’s a hell of a way to live ones life, but it is what it is and I might as well fess up to it.
I would like to take comfort in traditional scriptural phrases like “cast all your cares on him because he cares for you; seek first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added; trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding” but I find it difficult and often insulting to do so. The words seem to ring hollow and often reflect an emptiness that I also find difficult to explain.
Decisions made in the past seem to haunt me in such a way that it handicaps me from living in the present. The shadow of “what if” casts a dreariness that is relentless and unforgiving. No matter which way I turn the sun is never in my eyes – always at back. It makes me long for days similar to those of Israel when God would lead them by a cloud in the daytime and a pillar of fire by night. But then I know how silly that is.
As I was reading my mail and pondering my circumstances, I friend sent me a piece call “Quiet Anger“. As I thought about the writer’s words, I had one of those ah ha moments. He seemed to capture a good bit of my own thoughts. Thoughts riddled with doubt and frustration about what is happening to our country. A country that is not just a land mass of huge proportion, but a country composed of individuals. People who feel, care, work, and share then wonder why it seems so senseless when those who do not lift a finger to help themselves sit back and wait for someone to take care of them.
I’m certain that one day I’ll come out the other side of this whole experience. I’ll find joy again. I’ll find a way to laugh heartily again. I’ll know that what lies ahead is not darkness but light. Until that time, I”ll keep plodding along seeking truth, hoping for justice and relying on the eternal God of the Universe to do His work.